Fab, Mad and Bad Addie

Wannabe Poet, bogus Prophet, wobbly Blob of Fat, cynical Kindred Spirit, angry Angel, Irony in Juxtaposition. Oh, and I'm IT illiterate too.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Things That Pop Into Your Head On A Sunday Night

Like - what's His plan for me? Is He even in the picture? What am I doing wrong? Does the clairvoyant know anything? Was it true what she said? Why don't I like some people? You can't force me to like em when I don't.

Why do I bother?
Why does it hurt?
Why is it so complicated?
When did we get so scared? Choosy? Greedy?

Why do I never learn?
Learn what?

How many times have I wrote this note?
And I'm still writing it today? Again?

7th June 2009:
I feel lonely, and suddenly afraid that I will never find love.

What do I have to do to be loved by someone?

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

The Other Side of Growing Older

"Party!" he says to me.
"Get doused with chocolate sauce and have nubile young sex slaves lick it off your body."
"Because since you've seen 34 wild, crazy, PG-rated birthday celebrations, have another that will outdo all else! Indulge!"

Au contraire, my good man. After 34 wild, crazy, PG-rated birthday celebrations, all one really wants is normalcy. All one seeks is simplicity, and all one yearns is security.

To shut the world out and spend the entire day with The One.
To walk into Pizza Hut in your pajamas and flip-flops and have the worst pizza on the menu.
To go home to Nina Simone tinkling on her piano, to read poetry to one another.
To lie on his chest and hear his heart beating in rhythmic trance.
Then to fall asleep and have him give you a belly rub.

Just one night of complete sloppy-ism, of being who you truly are sans noise, distractions, pretense. Just enjoying being YOU, and being loved for it.

And it's such an irony... I am thankful that I was late to work today because my phone didn't stop ringing from well-wishers. Last count of birthday greeting sms-es was 14. Facebook: 12 gifts, fun-wall posts, and messages. Not bad considering I'm such a terrible friend to begin with.

And yet...

And yet, I find myself pining for the presence of the one person who obviously didn't remember.

Why are we made this way? Why do we pine for what is naught? Why do we set ourselves out for heartache? Why do we not practise what we preach? Walk the talk?

I know this will pass. I'm saying so because I know so. At the end of the day, all I really wanted was to remind myself what a fubid zodd I am, and to have an entry that bore the date


Sigh, Happy 35th, Addie!
(Picture courtesy of Getty Images)

Wednesday, October 03, 2007


Eliza thinks I'm dark and morbid. In her gentle and completely unstirred way, she was ... err... gravely disappointed when I listed out my favourite songs. This is another one of them, and of course there's My Immortal by Evanescence, and almost all of U2's scorching, desperately wanting wailings.

.... Nice whaaaaaattt...

Goodbye My Lover
James Blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.


This is one of all-time, all-weather favourite songs. Not just for suicidal days, but I just like the painful honesty of it.


Jann Arden

How do you cool your lips
After a summer’s kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you’d know anywhere

Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe you might have some advice to give
On how to be

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It’s a crime to fall in love again

Oh, you probably won’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of vogue, I’m out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be

I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe you might have some advice to give
On how to be

Monday, October 01, 2007

Au revoir, Valhalla

How can I tell the world how much it hurts?
It hurts, it bleeds.
And God is looking down at me. Gleefully.
"Silly bunny" he says.
Sighs and floats away.

It hurts, my friends. It hurts.
Don't tell me, I already know it.
I'm dumb, I'm stupid, I never learn.
And yes, I'll find someone else.
"You deserve better."
"He doesn't deserve you."
"You're stronger than this. You'll be fine."
"Go get a Marine, get a good bang-up."
"You need a drink and some pot."

(All are welcome to tell me what else I need.)

Oh god it hurts so bad. It's gonna be difficult to drive home tonight with blurry eyes...

The Saturday pasar malam and the murtabak.
My babydoll.
My hair.
The spuds with corned beef, no onions. Crispy popiah.
Green Citroen.
PJ Hilton.
Stupid cordless mouse.
Anyone wants a Perlini's silver bracelet?
Creme-filled Bavarians and Nicoise salads.
Water chalets.
Chris Brown, Marilyn Manson and gym tunes.
Carpets and underlays.
Migraines, sharks fin and Kahlil Gibran.
Arsenal and NFM Football Manager.
Thongs and spoilt remote controls.

Adekin Skywalker and her Valhalla.


Inflated Deflator Rides Again!!

I'm single again. That didn't last too long now, did it? I'm not in the right frame of mind to talk about it now, so I'll leave it at that. But know that it hurts real bad.

Where will I be tonight? Face down on my pillow, drenching it with my tears.

Remember 140807.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Yasmin, Ya Rocksss!!!

I rest my case... and now, I too understand it.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Lost, And Not Yet Found

Hello La Fiamma,

We have been quiet, haven’t we? One can’t help but wonder…

Where did we go? Did I blink and miss something?

My over-analytical mind has come back to stay, because at moments when the issue is a baffling one, you take out your tools and start the elimination process.

My charred senses tell me I’ve just been burnt again. No matter how many times I tell myself “never again”… my stupid self-will collapses on me.

I’m a terrible judge of character, each time thinking it could be different. And I’m always wrong. Always.

At this point, only you can tell me if I’m wrong about you. “Judge me not by my words but my actions” you once told me.

Going by that, your words have been nothing but cold, distant and emotionless of late.
Actions? What actions? That I’ve been reduced to "enquiries desk" in the span of two weeks?

I have a high tolerance for funny characters, trust me. It’s a trait one picks up in advertising; to put on a smile and soldier on despite the worst insults and humiliation. In this scenario, I can understand that you need space just as I need mine. But it’s not logical to completely cut one off cold turkey. In the chaos of your life at the moment, I have been tolerant and waited on the sidelines for the dust to settle. I told you the truth, that I still cared for you and thought of you constantly.

Where did we go, la fiamma? Did you take my heart, with all its feelings for you – and just crumpled it like you would a scrap of useless paper, and trashed it along the highway somewhere? I’m missing something in my chest, it’s cold… I’m feeling lost.

Have you suddenly realized that I was right about me? That I am complicated and indeed, a challenge? That I’m not worth the trouble after all? Or was it the opposite, that since you’ve figured me out, you felt I was no longer exciting?

If you were “just a friend”, I wouldn’t bother, la fiamma. I could go on for years without so much as a pip. But is that what you want? To be put in that basket with the others? That’s not what we started out with, did we?

Maybe there’s a side of you that I don’t understand at all. And unlike you, I don’t make it a point to read too much into a person’s character. Unlike you, I don’t want to figure people out, because it’s all about accepting each other for who we are, warts and all.

Maybe you need to teach me. Maybe you need to tell me to calm down, not to be so stupid and melodramatic. Maybe I was right about me all along.

Whichever it may be, I believe it’s time I said something so that you know what I’m going through. A whole lot of turmoil in my head and heart. I’m moments away from slicing my heart and burning it so that it will feel its final pain and then be silenced and feelingless forever.

I was wielding a weapon around my heart when we first met, and you coaxed me to put it down. Now, weaponless and defenseless, I am suddenly left alone in this vast jungle, longing for the sanctuary of my dank, grey, cold, hard cave.

I’m looking for directions, and you’re holding the map.

A friend, an acquaintance, a passing fancy,

Monday, August 20, 2007

Face Behind Tha Blog (yyechh!)

Verne tagged me. I have no idea what this means, but it's some kind of ploy to get people to view our sites and everybody else's sites so that we can "network" on the 'net and give our sites some net worth.

Note of caution: I hereby declare that I will not be held responsible for the loathing and hatred, sudden gush of nausea and outbreak of rash that might occur as a result of reading my unintelligible utterances or just by gazing at my face. Sympathy is welcome but preferably in a physical form of an able-bodied, straight, age-compatible, straight, loyal, straight, devoted, straight, single male.

I think I'm supposed to follow what he wrote in his entry, so I copy paste ok? Tharr goes it:-

Blog Title: Fab, Mad and Bad Addie
Description: Online diary for my very censored and private thoughts and feelings, edited for the safe consumption of the pubic. Er, pubLic.
Why: Because sometimes I'm fabulously lovable; most times I'm mad - sanity wise and temperament wise; and in essence, I'm just a bad sod... :(

Name : Adeline
Country : Malaysia
Occupation : Advertising Slut
Birthday : November
Fav Color : Black, white, purple
Fav Drink : Coffee
Fav Fruit : Mango, papaya, watermelon, lychee
Fav Dessert : Ice-cream, brownies (limited to 1 intake in 2 months... sob sob)
Hobbies : Falling for the wrong man. Otherwise, it's Working My Ass Off For Pittance And Not Getting Anywhere In Life. Sometimes, I read, listen to music, watch movies. I'm such a bore.

Having done all that, I swear I did something similar some time ago... let me see if I can find that useless entry... OK, found it!

In every blog, there’s always one entry that is a waste of anybody’s time to read…

Anyways, Verne also said sumfink about posting pictures. I don't have many pics and I look absolutely horrigible terrigible veggitible in photographs, no matter how much I try to pose and "show my good side". That can only mean that I don't have a good side and I'm oreful all around. Heh, surprise, surprise.

You still wanna see pictures ahh? Vhat lah u all??!! OK fine, here goes. *Important: Please read "Note of caution" above before proceeding.

Now that I've caused a bubonic plague, I think I should make like a zip and fly. Or was that "make like a fly and zip"?