Damn, I’m Broke :: Season #132

Story of my life, this. Broke then, broke now, and most definitely in the foreseeable future. It has been 132 months since I started earning my daily bread. My first drawn salary was RM850 in 1995. I used that to pay for my rent, my brother’s rent, my boyfriends’ idiocies (makes me wonder now who the idiot was in the relationship), my food, my brother’s food, my buddies’ food, my boyfriends’ idiocies, my transport and all other guilty pleasures only a girl can be acquitted of.

Not bad, come to think of it now. Ms. Single-and-making-it-alone has done well considering I never had to borrow large amounts of money from anyone in my family, not even to buy my car. But it’s been tough for sure, for sure. Some months I barely make it to the finish line. Like my soulmate Vernie says “scraping the floor with your nails”. Now coming back to the present – this month is exceptionally bad!! I’m practically digging the earth with my bare hands! 2 feet deep…going on 3 feet… Hehheh, my fault entirely though. Having bummed out for almost a month and then clearing a large chunk of my credit card bills PLUS paying for a gym membership with September’s paycheck was a painful lesson in financial management indeed.

I reluctantly slip into Samuel Beckett’s Winnie, the incurable optimist buried in a mound of sand. She wakes up every morning with the yelp “Another heavenly day!” as she explores the contents of her enormous handbag. (Jo Kukathas rocked in this role!) And so do I – squeak, more like, and not without a sigh, manage the words “Another supposedly heavenly day” and explore the contents of my alarmingly shrinking wallet. Well, my brother can smirk all he wants for now because Big Sister has to be nice to him – he just lent her some moolah! But wait – the cheque’s being cleared, and really there’s no cause for alarm. Just a case of bad money management and non-paying debtors…grrrr…

I am, however, quick to realize what my learnings were, actually:

1. There is always enough money in a month, with surplus even.
2. I can save money – I don’t have to spend it all.
3. My monthly income can sustain me for 2 months, inclusive monthly bills!

And that basically set the pace for my “action plan” which I proudly devised just moments ago *big grin*. Putting my super-excellent terror-menerror Excel skills to work, I plotted out my personal balance sheet, clearly allocating for incidentals, groceries and silly indulgences *sheepish grin*. From there, my healthy balance is brought forward to the next month – and the next. Aiyoh, it’s Kunci Kira-Kira 101 lah ok! And I was so caught up in it, I continued to plot for the rest of the year, till Chinese New Year next year! And I’m such a happy bunny because the balance is looking good! A conservative figure based on conservative expenditure will bring me 6-digit savings in 5 years’ time; inflation rates, income increments, side income not counted (the big word for this slips my mind now).

I suppose this is my financial enlightenment. After all these years, I’ve finally learnt what it is to save moolah. Better late than never, I say! Of course it helps that I’m no fashion slave, neither am I fanatical about branded items. Small cozy apartment living is a can-do for me. And no, I don’t see children, let alone marriage in the near future either. Not that I’ve sworn marriage off, just not hoping to lah. But if it happens, it happens. That’s another story altogether.

I am so beside myself I decided to brag about it… yee-haw! Alrighty, I’m off to beddy-byes. Got gym in the morning – look out for that entry soon!

'Tis Not A Crime

This has got to be the kazillionth time I'm answering this question. And he's definitely the kazillionth person to ask.

"You're single? But why?"

"Because I am. Because I'm not attracted to the men who like me, and the men I like are not available to me just yet. And you know what, there's nothing to be defensive about. This crazy little thing called 'Love' - I'll tell you what I think It's all about.

Love is an idea. It's so fragile It could break if you breathed too hard. It has no shape, no form, no colour, no fragrance. You make It what It is, in your own mould to your own liking. That's why people find Love in different ways, they see Love in different things. It's their own personal fantasy and reality. Some like it hot, some like it cold, some like it in the pot, nine days old.

Love has no formula. You cannot calculate the breadth, length, width, height or weight of your emotions to equal Love. Love just happens to you. Because you are made different from others, you have your own thresholds. And your version of Love responds to you and you alone. Love and Insanity are of the same kind. No one can convict you of crime when you plead Insanity. And when you're in Love, you're pretty much insane anyway. You do the maddest things in Its name. Because Love gets to you in a BIG way - it gets to your brain, your heart and your bones. You ache and you don't even know where it hurts. Love agitates without even breaking a sweat, and that makes you Insane with frustration.

Love cannot be forced into anything it doesn't want to do. You cannot mould It, or even ask It to follow you. It's like a beautiful animal from the wild that you can't understand and can't predict. It might walk beside you or It might bite. It perches itself on your window sill, and that's where it shall be. There's nothing else you can do but just smile, offer it some seeds that it might feast on and grow, and make cosy your home. It may fly away, but know that it wasn't your fault. It just decided your window sill wasn't the one It wanted, that's all. You just have to be big hearted enough to accept that not all birds that perch on your sill would want to be your pet. If they fly, they fly.

Love to me is not unlike a shrub. I've never boasted of a green thumb, me. So shrubs grow and die in my care. Sometimes I'm lucky and they don't die. Sometimes I'm even luckier and the most amazing flowers grow! But whatever the case, I water them with Love anyway. They might never grow flowers, but they will always be green, and will remain green till they cannot green no more. In this little mystery called Love, my house is filled with Love shrubs. I have family and friends who - like the birdies, perch on my sill, and shrubs grow green in the sunshine of my Love. If they were birdies, they never come in, but they never fly away. they like it there on my sill. If they were shrubs, they never flower, but they make the most beautiful green carpet on my floor. See? Whatever it is, I'm never alone and I'm never lonely.

So this thing called Love - it's Everything and Anything. Sometimes it's even Nothing. But most definitely it's Something. And if I were you, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Because you must know that Love is Here, There, Everywhere. Under a leaf, beneath a stone, behind the forest, in the wake of a new day, in the purr of a cat, in the smell of coffee.



Love has definitely happened to me, and it didn't happen in the form of a Man. It happened in the form of Living. So you see, 'tis not a crime to be single. It's just another way of being in Love.